If Thoughts Could Rule The World

I think at this point I will make some daily postings.

There's just too many things running around in my head lately.

By the way, the conclusion to the co-worker issue came down to the end of the day. I couldn't take it anymore, so I asked her if she liked my card. She said, "yeah. Did you make it?" I said, "Yeah." I started explaining how I made it and then I asked her if she like the bag, the gift. She said she liked it and it matched a lot of things.

Not once did she say, "thank you."

I am ultimately disappointed at her. End of Story.

Speaking of co-workers, I have another co-worker who's birthday is tomorrow and she's been acting like a queen in front of everyone. She had a countdown to her birthday, then she would mention on error sheets that I generate every morning, I should add a birthday comment tomorrow on that sheet, and then in the hallway, she told another co-worker to make sure my co-worker brings her a present tomorrow. I was like -- what the hell - I hate people with the "princess" symdrome. To top it off of that, she's having a three-day birthday bash, which I'm not even invited to. Not that I wanted to go, but don't expect any gift from me!

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Next Episode: The Meddler

Exposing the inner feelings of a wife of a upcoming fashion photographer/entrepreneur 

I like to meddle in my husband's business. It's just that if I'm going to be looking at his business, his baby, heart and soul, I constantly see things that can simply be done "better." If it were any other business, I could give an opinion, but when it comes down to his business, I get very empowered, very businesses-like, very critical. I go so far as to call myself "The President of The President."

This could be a bad thing and a good thing.

Good thing is all the advice and critique could help the company improve.
Bad thing is I'm meddling into my husband's business because it isn't mine. Being critical could also lead to a bad relationship. My advice could be crap after all. It's not like I see the detailed or full version of things since I am not directly working with it.

There are a couple things I cannot stand:

1. When he is being submissive to other people (i.e. waiting an hour for a stylist to arrive to their "appointment", being self-depreciating in front of his employees. While I don't want him to act like the maniacal Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, I do expect he act professionally and managerially at all times with his staff. I guess if you want to treat your partners/co-workers like your friends, they can totally overstep boundaries and not take you seriously. One time, he was trying to meet someone (I forget who) and every time he called him, he couldn't reach him. And when he finally reaches him and asks when they can meet up, the guy says he doesn't know but he will let my husband know later. What is this? Do people think my husband is a dog, waiting on everybody else's decisions? NO. I want him to take charge. Be more agressive. Be more mean. If they can't find time to meet my husband, they can just forget their relationship. Then again, I am an outsider and I am meddling into their businesss. On the other hand, I am the one who has to get last minute notices that he's not coming home. In the end, I'm the one who is waiting for him to come home every night and not knowing what is going on. I can't even plan our schedule because I have NO IDEA what his schedule is because he is notorious for last minute arrangements.

I just can't stand not having a stable life.

Of course, I could give them the benefit of the doubt, but my husband never once tried to explain his relationship with other people, which leads me to assume the worst. I can't sympathize with people I don't know. One time, the studio manager wrote profiles of the people in the company. He went to write my husband with incorrect age and his own opinion of my husband's photography techniques and personality which I think is a load of crap. I was so upset, I wanted this guy fired. After my husband spoke on the phone with him, my husband said that he was only doing "personal" notes and made it seem okay as long as it wasn't anything official. I was so pissed off still. I could not stand the fact my husband let him get away with it. If it were any other situation where you were caught writing crap about your boss, you'd probably get fired or treated really, really badly. In any case, you would be screwed.

Another thing I hate is he can't even hire someone without going through the investor's approval. I seriously think this is B.S.

The only contacts he seems to have are Korean. He's thinking about hiring a whole Korean team. I feel like he is so discriminating. He's going to sponsor his best friend to work over here too. For me, I was thinking, is he hiring for the fact he wants to help his friend or for the fact, his friend can do the job?

2. Lack of organization
As I have mentioned before, my husband always makes last minute arrangements. I'm the one left at home with a question mark in my head. I know he has a meeting, but who knows what time he'll be back? This kind of thing drives me up the wall.

3. Lack of direction
Okay, I understand my husband just started a company, but it hasn't really taken off yet. I believe he's getting wayyyyyyyyyyyy ahead of himself. I believe, as a small business, you must first specialize yourself in one field before branching out in other fields. Just because my husband's company has investors backing the things up with millions of dollars in investments, he is launching a photo studio, as well as other studios globally, such as London, Japan, Los Angeles, Korea, and who knows where else. I can't remember. Then on top of that he is launching his own magazine line, boutique clothing stores, sports agency, and WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE. The most laughable thing? None of this even materialized yet and he is now doing global charity work to promote his business. HOW DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE? For the longest time, the studio didn't even have a place yet. He had business cards that point to where the business was set up, but it isn't the actual studio. Recently, he announced to me that he has a location for the studio in Manhattan. Yeah, that's step one out of the millions of steps he has to do. But, to do charity work at this time when they have virtually no income coming in? That is just a "what are they thinking" moment. I would think with millions of dollars floating around, people can't afford to waste it. 

4. Resentment
I resent the fact that this whole thing is bad timing. I know he wanted to marry me at some point but why now? It really pisses me off when just when he wants to start his company, he propose to me. WTH? The time I was planning our wedding, he was planning his business. I can say there were a couple of weekends where he was simply "too busy" for me. If he's gonna marry me, he should have concentrated fully on me before taking out any other commitments. Now, because he is applying for permanant residency, he kept saying that he should hire a lawyer to fill out the papers when I say we can do it ourselves without a lawyer. Then he starts complaining he should have taken care of this sooner. He might as well slap me in the face and say I hold him back since I was the one who prepared all the paperwork and I also had to change my name to my married name. When I try to contact him, he would say he's working and he would text me or msg me back at times, but he would not give me the answer I'm looking for and I resent the fact that he pays so much attention to his work and not much attention to me. It's almost as if he's scared talking to me on the phone one more minute at work or something bad would really happen to him. AND he doesn't take lunch. Well, if I ever have an emergency, I know he'll never have my back.  In the end, I don't feel he misses me at all. When he's next to me, he cares about me, but when he's not, I don't feel anything. I also want to mention that I'm the needy type of person, who needs attention at least MULTIPLE times a day. I feel sad. He's the type of person that goes to sleep in the blink of one eye and I'm totally the opposite. I'll toss and turn until I finally submit to the power of unconciousness. Sometimes, I want to have a night conversation in bed, ya know? Just talk in the dark. I find that so enjoyable, but I can never do it with him since he goes to sleep like a narcoleptic.

With all these things in mind, nothing compared to what happened last night. This is official a huge bump in our marriage. He cursed me out after I gave an opinion on how he talks on the phone with his team and I called him a loser. Even though I was a bad person to say those things, I don't deserve to be called what he called me -- the A word. In my whole entire life, minus the middle fingers I received from drivers, I had only been cursed out once in my life. I guess to a lot of people that's like nothing, but for me, I was devastated to the point of frenzy when my husband opened his mouth. I mean, from all people in this world, why did it come out from the one that I love? That hurt really bad. I can say, I didn't want to kill myself, but I wonder what is the point before that...crazy? lunatic? In his mind, loser is in the same wavelength as the A word. It isn't any A word, it's A$$****. I consider that on the cursing scale to be a 9. I can blame all this on his damn co-workers. Ever since he worked in the modeling agency, he's been learning so many bad English words, it isn't even funny. I really wonder if I ever have a child, what would I do when my child curses me out? First I would be really shocked. Then I would release a motherload of beatings, I think. I'm not sure if my husband even knew the meaning of what he said, but I was not about to forgive him ever -- even for something he innocently didn't know. That does not make it right. If he thinks loser is the equivalent to A-hole, then he is much more forgiving than me, because I went crazy last night. He saw a side of me he probably wish he didn't see. I wasn't proud of myself but it was the only way I could release my anger.

Even after the "sorrys" and the "I didn't mean its," I still feel a void in our relationship. A feeling of uncertainty overcomes my thoughts and actions. No, I'm not gonna divorce him, but I just want to put it out there that I'm one of those newlyweds who don't have "happily ever afters." This is real life. And this is a real couple. I'm still hurting inside.

To make a conclusion, I should not meddle into his business anymore and keep my thoughts to myself.

I recently took a liking to facebook. It seems very fun when I play games there and also I saw a lot of people who are considered in my history book, meaning people from my past. Sometimes, I feel history should remain history and if we tap into the "where are they now?" the truth could be at times, frightening. A part of me is curious how they are doing, but a part of me does not want to know. Sometimes, things left in the past should stay in the past, not to burst my happily ever after bubble.

Such person who I would like keep in my history book is my high school prom date. It was my first date in my entire life and I didn't want to ruin this image, this moment of the feeling of "first date." Even though we were going as friends, still, I would like to preserve my memories as a happy moment in my life. We had fun. I was pretty. A great time. The end.

Until... facebook came along.

He found me through facebook and added me as his friend. So, naturally, I go over there and check out his profile. What do I see?

Interested in: Men

What? What the-?

Okay, I try really hard to be open-minded, but there is something that makes me lose my self-worth when the guy I went out with in the past turned gay. I mean, what does that do for my self-esteem to know I dated a gay guy? All these questions entered my mind. Was he gay when he was my date? When did he find out he was gay? (This is important because I would die if he was gay all along.) Does that make me Powerz, the loser-who-can-not-find-a-date-so-she-accepts-a-gay-guy's-offer?

He was really into his partner. "oo I can't wait to see _____."

"I made a pie for ________."

all this sweet talk kinda made me sick.

And to think this guy kissed me during prom. Was it like- a brotherly thing or ---ugh..yuck! He was a manly guy, who held my hand and made sure I was OK throughout the night, and was generous enough to pay for the prom (but I insisted I'd give money for our limo)!

Okay, I didn't have feelings for the guy either, but I feel my image has tarnished. Luckily, I married a guy who I feel will NEVER turn gay *crosses fingers*

I just feel confused and shocked and I'll never look at him the same way again.

Sometimes, the past should be left into the past.

(@#*&$*(#&@$ facebook.